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Twins 7, Rangers 5: One True Outcome (Happiness)

Dong your way to inner peace

Texas Rangers v Minnesota Twins
Photo by David Berding/Getty Images

The Twins like their Homers or Bust approach (Dongs or Dust appraoch?) almost as much as they like baffling roster decisions and corner outfielders. But what happens when your opponent is also all aboard the dong train and your pitching staff that was basically the figurehead of a beautiful ship nobly staring up at the unforgiving sun while the rest of the ship drowns beneath it starts to also go under?

What do you do when you are tired and mixing bad metaphors?

You lose to the Brewers like 8 to 7. But today against the Rangers? They actually went and stuck the landing, those mad lads.

Pablo Lopez, boots wet from the salt-spray, pitched not particularly well, giving up a homerun to Marcus Semien in the very first at-bat of the game. That really set the theme for the day. So here we go, take a deep breath aaaand


(side note: how do you make a sphere long? It either stops being a sphere or just becomes a larger sphere. Like a football I guess?)

Bottom 2nd: Kyle Farmer - The Dongs of Wrath(1-1)

Top 3rd: Corey Seager - Are you there Dong, it’s me, Corey. (1-2)

(Travis Jankowski singled in two runs here, but this ruins my lazy format joke so let’s ignore that)

Bottom 3rd: Michael A Taylor - I keep forgetting this guy’s a power hitter now for real though. (2-4)

Top 4th: Leody Tavera: Flowers for Algerdong (2-5)

Bottom 5th: Michael A Taylor - Oops I Donged it Again (3-5)

Bottom 6th: Royce Lewis - Alfred Hitchcock Presents: The Dongs (4-5)

-INTERMISSION- Umpire Update

All Umpires are Bastards. Robot Umps Now! Vote for me for president and I promise you Ed Julien will never receive a strike call again.

Anyway, so in the bottom of the 8th, down by one, and roughly 400 homers already on the books you would have been forgiven for thinking this was a repeat of the Milwuakee series. Alas, Matt Walker lead off with a single, and Carlos “Double Play Bouncer” Correa bounced into an RBI double to tie the game, succesfully doubling during a play and fulfilling his destiny in some sort of reverse Monkey Paw shenanigan.

After Royce Lewis walked, Max Kepler also doubled his play by bouncing into an actual double play, but who even cares because god damned Hero Ryan Jeffers then smashed a ball over the fences and into our hearts. The score was now 7-5, which you will notice is also the score in the headline and thus nothing else happened. Good work on the 9th Griffin Jax!

STUDS: M.A.T, Jeff, Jax