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Farm Report: Zack Granite’s offense distracts from sharia law

A recap of the Twins' minor league affiliates' results from May 12th, 2017.

Local Farmers Protest Israeli Export Sanctions
It’s been a while since we just talked. Just talked, no sex, no booze. How ... um, how are you? Well, this is awkward.
Photo by Abid Katib/Getty Images

Triple-A: Rochester Red Wings 3, Pawtucket Red Sox 2

Should we, like, notice CF Zack Granite at some point? He’s hitting .320 and has four steals in six games; his two doubles on Friday helped the Wings secure a win for ancient starter Jason Wheeler. Wheeler managed to neither walk nor strike out anybody in six innings, which is impressive. Granite sported a rather adorable onesie.

What the lamestream media doesn’t want you to know is that Rochester has been taken over by fanatical Muslims, and/or international Jewry, and/or promoters with a taste for goofy puns:

With the Red Wings' IL North rival, the pork-loving, bacon-boasting, Lehigh Valley IronPigs coming to town May 15-18, the Wings will be implementing a bacon ban at Frontier Field for the series.

In fact, the Wings will be pulling most of the pork from the Frontier Field concession stands while our foes from "Bacon, USA" are in town. The only exception being hot dogs because, well, what's a baseball game without hot dogs?!

For those upset they can't get themselves the MuckDog at 'Sup Dog, bacon bits on their baked potato at Red Osier or the "Pig Two Ways Mac N' Cheese" at Say Cheese, our friends at WebMD remind us that 68% of bacon's calories come from fat, almost half of which is saturated. Eating foods rich in saturated fats can raise your cholesterol levels, increasing your risk of heart disease and stroke. So even if your taste buds hate us for the week, your heart will thank us later.

Your wallets will be squealing with joy too as we'll even be trimming the fat off ticket prices for the homestand. Since there are 3.5 G of fat in one slice of bacon, all online tickets will be $3.50 OFF using promo code BANTHEBACON.

We'll be sure not to boar you while you're at the ballpark …

This sounds like an intern wrote it, or a recovering porn addict who is really focused on their new job. In either case, I salute your commitment to a bit, promo person.

[Box Score]

Double-A: Chattanooga Lookouts 9, Montgomery Biscuits 2

My new hero, OBP machine LF LaMonte Wade, let me down here, with merely one dang walk. He also had a 2-run dong, which is so bourgeois. Felix Jorge "scattered" nine hits while recording 14 outs. I think he was a hot prospect at some point. The name sounds familiar. Maybe I’m thinking of Felix Hernandez, or Felix the cat.

[Box Score]

High-A: Charlotte Stone Crabs 11, Ft. Myers Miracle 2

Miracle SP Chris Anderson will have no reason to update his very sad-looking picture if he keeps this up. Every last bloomin’ run from the Stone Crabs was on him, or off him, as the case may be.

Not much offense for Fort Myers; only hits apiece from the Pride Of Robbinsdale, CF Max Murphy, your favorite Allstate insurance agent, 3B Chris Paul, and "guy I have nothing snarky to add about" OF Rafael Valera.

Valera is from Barquismento, Venezula, which is a really pretty name for a town.

[Box Score]

Low-A: Cedar Rapids Kernels 7, Bowling Green Hot Rods 3

The wait is over! We finally have a great catcher to replace Mauer Juan Castro! My-my-my-my Mitchell Kranson is 23 years old, went to school at Berkeley, and got hisself four hits in this game. He has an .813 OPS, which should translate to about 1.626 in the big leagues.

Domenick Carlini struck out five guys in his five innings, gave up all three Hot Rods runs, and continues to have a name too Italian for his homeburg of Memphis, TN. Fun facts about Memphis: its residents are known as "Memphians." And the late, great Chuck Berry wrote a wonderful song named after it.

[Box Score]

Do you have a picture or pictures you took of tractors, farm animals, land, or other equipment you’d like to see us use for a future farm report? We would love your submissions and happily give you and/or your farm full credit and a shout-out. Unless it grows weed, in which case, shhhhh.

Please e-mail if you are interested, and include the name of who took the photo (and their permission) so we may give the proper photo credits.

Photos must be large! We need at least 1800px width. If you’re not sure if it’s big enough, send the picture and I will tell you (TWSS).