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Farm Report: Miracle squeak out 17-1 victory

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A recap of the Twins' minor league affiliates' results from May 26th, 2017.

500 Acre Dairy Farm Milks 110 Cows
I heard something squeaking in there, and I’m damned if I’m not going to terrify it for half an hour before I kill it and leave its corpse by my foodgiver’s shoes as a “thank you.”
Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images

Triple-A: Indianapolis Indians 11, Rochester Red Wings 6

Jeepers, how many frigging “Indians” or “Chiefs”-named teams are there? A lot, apparently. I guess there was tons of respect/love for Native heritage just floating around in the aether back when. Anyhoo, SP Nick Tepesch sucked, but you don’t care, because he’s 28-year-old roster filler and you know it. I’m sure he does, too. He’s putting off getting a real job, which I’ve been doing for 30 years, and he’s better at it.

Recently promoted SS Engelb Vielma had three hits, and is now batting .294. LF Daniel Palka had a HR and three RBIs, but broke my heart, because his team headshot photo is now this boring thing. What happened to the necklace, the unbuttoned shirt, the “don’giffa’fugde” come-hither look? Oh, Daniel. You’ve become one of the grey people.

[Box Score]

Double-A: Chattanooga Lookouts 3, Montgomery Biscuits 2

Stephen Gonsalves was fabulous, K-ing seven in seven innings, but the “win” went to Todd Van Steensel, who was born in Sydney, Australia, has a very Australian name, and the most Australian face imaginable. It’s like his face erupts from the picture in 3D, drinking a Fosters and being all friendly. It’s unnervingly Australian.

The offense was spread around, piranha-style, with LF LaMonte Wade getting a hit, a walk, and an outfield assist. OF COURSE LAMONTE WADE GOT A WALK THAT’S WHAT HE DOES

A pop-up ad on the Lookouts website informed me that Lynyrd Skynyrd will be performing at the Winstock Music Festival shortly. It’s near Glencoe, Minnesota. Camping (RV parking) is available, so it’s like Woodstock with less bud and more Bud, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Reminds me of a time I checked into a hotel in Burns, Oregon, one of the more isolated areas in America. The hotel owner asked for my ID, and when I gave it to her, said, “ooh! I’m from Glencoe!” Small world. If you’re ever in Burns, stay at the Horseshoe Inn, which is actually pretty great.

[Box Score]

High-A: Fort Myers Miracle 17, Charlotte Stone Crabs 1

Stone Crabs starter Taylor Hawkins had an outing comparable to former Twin LaTroy Hawkins when he was a starter. Hey, Taylor, LaTroy had a zillion-year career and so can you. Hang in there, buddy. For the Miracle, Felix (son of Pudge) Rodriguez was fine, but only got to throw 61 pitches in five innings since this game featured many hits and got looooong.

It kinda sucks this game wasn’t in Ft. Myers, because home fans got hosed. Three Stone Crabs errors meant the Miracle got 17 runs on 16 hits, which probably isn’t a record, but it’s sure bizarre. The Pride Of Robbinsdale, Max “Mullet” Murphy, flew out to end the bleeding in his seventh AB. 3B Nelson Molina (not one of The Molinas — he’s not a catcher) had three hits, along with 1B/PG Chris Paul.

[Box Score]

Low-A: Kane County Cougars 2, Cedar Rapids Kernels 1

A thing you sometimes see in low-A ball is two pitchers getting a few innings each instead of one starter being scheduled. Ryan Mason had three Ks in his three innings, Max Cordy five in his three, although he did give up both Cougars runs.

3B Travis Blankenhorn RBI-ed in the only Mean Corn run. This game was played at Northwestern Medicine Field, which has a creepy sounding name, to me. Like where Civil War-era surgeons buried all the amputated limbs. My brain just goes to strange places that way.

[Box Score]