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Farm Report: Pat Venditte still switch-pitching, still not really very good at it

A recap of the Twins' minor league affiliates' results from June 24th, 2017.

Two-Headed Bobtail Finds New Home In Perth
Yes, you can type “two-headed” into the photo search thingy and get a result. COMPUTERS ARE WONDERFUL
Photo by Paul Kane/Getty Images

Triple-A: Rochester Red Wings 5, Lehigh Valley IronPigs 4

This saddens me, because there are few players in baseball I root for in front of Pat Venditte. Like, the dude singlehandedly (OK, both-handedly) caused a gazillion extra hours of work for programmers at “The Show.” But, alas, he is not super-good at pitching with either arm. Case in point: 4-3 IronPigs lead, ninth inning. Venditte up for the save. Promptly gives up a hit, three straight walks, and game-ending single, without retiring one batter.

I’d still rather have him than Matt Belisle.

Chris “Charlton” Heston had a mediocre-to-bad start, but Ryan “Aaron” Pressly was pretty boss, nuking six batters and striking out three of them. He could have given up ten consecutive home runs and I’d still rather have him than Matt Belisle. Folks, I’m not gonna lie to you -- I deeply, deeply hate it when Matt Belisle pitches in baseball games.

[Box Score]

Double-A: Chattanooga Lookouts 3, Pensacola Blue Wahoos 2

OK, this happened twice! Another minor-league Twins opponent had a save opportunity, and couldn’t get one out! Weird, huh? It does make you feel bad for the guy pitching, but that’s baseball.

CF Levi Michael had the game-winning RBI with a HBP. Um, I think Homer Simpson did this.

Starter Felix Jorge had seven strikeouts in 7.2 innings. That’s nice! He also gave up eleven hits, which is something I was going to make a Nik Turley-related joke about before my computer suddenly entered terminal brain-freeze mode. So the rest of this will be half-assed from my phone. No, I’m not naked. I’m not a complete barbarian.


High-A: Ft. Myers Miracle 2, Florida Fire Frogs 1

SS Jermaine Palacios had two hits, and that’s nice for him, but my FUCKING COMPUTER IS BREAKING right when I’m trying to do a FUCKING POST.

Spectacular pitching names here. Michael Theofanopoulos and my new favorite in all of baseball, Touki Toussaint. Other team, alas.

[Box Score]

Low-A: Quad Cities River Bandits 3, Cedar Rapids Kernels 2

Hey, remember when computers were gonna make everybody more productive? Like, we’d all do super-fast inventory management on them and shit, so the world was gonna get wired and we’d all only work five hours a day and we’d do it from home and there’d be this global interconnected network of “information specialists?”

Yeah. Kiss my shiny metal ass, future. I’ve had less issues changing a typewriter ribbon, and I’m old enough to remember changing typewriter ribbons. You know what was nice about typewriters? You change that fucking ribbon, the shit’s changed. It’s not an ongoing nightmare of “software updates” which makes you want to go down to Wal-Mart and buy a baseball bat just for the sole purpose of beating a keyboard to death with it.

1B Amaurys Miner (such good names today!) made a single, double, and dong. SP Doeminick Carlini wasn’t on his best day, but reliever Alex Robinson is loved by Jesus more than you will know, woh-oh-oh.

[Box Score]

Rookie Ball: Elizabethton Twins 8, Danville Braves 7

Whassup, Baby Twins? Your #35 draft pick, LF Brent Rooker, profiled here by someone whose damn computer works, went 4-5 with a double and long dong. Still hate him?

Among the four Twins pitchers was a Calvin Faucher, and I approve of this name. Work’s a shitshow? Your appliances are breaking at the least opportune moment? Fauch it, I say.

[Box Score]

Do you have a picture or pictures you took of tractors, farm animals, land, or other equipment you’d like to see us use for a future farm report? We would love your submissions and happily give you and/or your farm full credit and a shout-out. Also, if you grow pumpkins, myjah REALLY wants to win the carving contest this Halloween, so any spare ones she can practice on would be appreciated.

Please e-mail myjah at if you are interested, and include the name of who took the photo (and their permission) so we may give the proper photo credits.

Photos must be large! We need at least 1800px width. If you’re not sure if it’s big enough, send the picture and I will tell you (TWSS).