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Farm Report: Everyone Wins, Everyone Gets Delicious Milk

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A recap of the Twins' minor league affiliates' results from June 2nd, 2017.

Boston Red Sox v Texas Rangers
Oh, God, please somebody tell me when I can be done with this photo shoot.
Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Before we get started, you absolutely HAVE to read this piece by Rhett “Everyday Awesome” Bollinger on Eduardo Escobar, cow milking, immigrant dreams, and Brian Dozier being the redneck you always knew he was ... yet a sweet, considerate, funny redneck, which you always knew he was. Onto the farm!

Triple-A: Rochester Red Wings 6, Norfolk Tides 2

CF Zack Granite had a double, a triple, a walk, no strikeouts ... and no RBIs. He did score all three times he was on base. This is the sort of stat line which turns innocent young minds, following traditional metrics, into full-bore groupies Bill James can control with telepathy, forcing them to bring him french fries at will. Kennys Vargas and Byung-Ho Park went 0-7 in their Race To The Recall.

SP David Hurlbut came to the defense of all us old-school fogies, getting merely two strikeouts in six innings while allowing only two earned runs. Relievers Drew Rucinski and Michael Tonkin did more of the same. Go Twins Way, go!

[Box Score]

Double-A: Chattanooga Lookouts 3, Birmingham Barons 2

Your hero tonight? 1B Dan Gamache, who doubled in the go-ahead run late. No, I’d never heard of him either (sorry, Ma & Pa Gamache, if you’re reading this). He’s a 26-year-old from noted baseball hotbed Rhode Island. What exactly DO they do in Rhode Island? I assume it involves lobster traps. Bigtime prospect SS Nick Gordon went 1-5, and CF LaMonte Wade had no walks, because he’s quit on us.

23-year-old RHP Felix Jorge was dealing, K/BB ratio at 6/1 in 6.2 IP. Nice! Replacement Jake Reed betrayed all U of Oregon alumni with his blown save, but Lobster Man redeemed the day. The losing pitcher was named Snodgress, which I thought sounded familiar, then I realized I was thinking of Carrie Snodgress, actress in The Fury who had kind of a tough life. My brain works this way.

[Box Score]

High-A: Fort Myers Miracle 2, Bradenton Marauders 0

Who wins the bat’leth tournament? Yeah, that’s right, it’s Felix (son of Pudge) Rodriguez. He held the so-called Marauders scoreless in six innings, striking out six and allowing four baserunners, with no extra-base hits. He also picked off a lesser warrior named Casey Hughston, whose family will never live down the shame of such dishonor.

Pretty much zilch going on for the Miracle lineup in this one (either for the game or season to date), with all the scoring coming from an early dong by CF Daniel Kihle. He is from Wichita, KS, and attended Wichita State. He needs you more than wants you, and he wants you for all time.

[Box Score]

Low-A: Cedar Rapids Kernels 3, Burlington Bees 0

Moar solid pitching, please! Here you had another good six innings from another guy, one Domenick Carlini, who abhors pasta, red wine and tempestuous dark-haired women. He gave up three hits and two walks. He only struck out two batters, but eh, he can learn.

Your offense was provided by RF Jaylin Davis, with two knocks, and CF Aaron Whitfield, an Aussie who not only stole a base, but somehow scored from second on a sac fly. Wait — I thought Ben Revere was playing for the Angels now, not bringing his noodle arm to Burlington! Maybe he has a secret twin.

[Box Score]