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Farm Report: Red Wings beat IronPigs, happy little trees in High-A

A recap of the Twins' minor league affiliates' results from July 14th, 2017.

Super 8 When The Art Comes Down Miami Beach
Because you DO NOT want to see what happens when “Iron Pig” is typed into the photo search thingy. It’s so bleak and horrible ... trust me, you don’t want to see it. People are sometimes very mean to other people. Bob Ross was not mean.
Photo by Robin Marchant/Getty Images for Super 8

Triple-A: Rochester Red Wings 4, Lehigh Valley IronPigs 1

Who needs ya, Zack Granite? Have an 0-3 day, C Mitch Garver! The Red Wings can still win! Proving, once again, either that baseball is full of highly talented athletes at every level OR that any bunch of jocks swinging tree branches could do this job. I choose to believe the former. Rochester had all of five hits, two provided by LF J.B. Shuck.

Rule 5 guy Justin Case Haley, whom I don’t remember either, allowed no runs in his five innings, maybe giving him the inside track to become Minnesota’s fifth starter? Who knows. It’ll be some warm body, and you’ll see them soon.

[Box Score]

Double-A: Chattanooga Lookouts 9, Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp 3

The Pride of Robbinsdale, RF Max Murphy, banged out four hits, including a triple. Someone give this man a cookie. 3B T.J. White, who absolutely looks like your worst nightmare a child brings over for Thanksgiving and says “we just got married in Vegas,” provided a dinger, his sixth on the year. He is also, actually, from Vegas. Yo, T.J., whassup! Son.

Kohl Stewart, the living reason nobody should get too excited about baseball drafts, had seven strikeouts in six innings and gave up three runs. A quality start, as they say.

[Box Score]

High-A: Charlotte Stone Crabs 4, Ft. Myers Miracle 3

Reliever Alex Muren entered a tie game in the 9th, threw one strike, then promptly grooved a walk-off dinger. I’m all in favor of the home crowd being happy, but make it suspenseful, Alex. Put runners on base first, have some drama, tension. That’s probably not in Mr. Muren’s wheelhouse; he attended Cal State Northridge, where the most popular majors are Chillaxing, Major Waves Bro, Tap Me Some Of That, and Business Administration.

Before that, the brilliantly-named Michael Theofanopoulos had two strong innings, and starter David Fischer was a 27-year-old guy in High-A. Punch the clock, my brother. On offense, C/DH Mitchell Kranson knocked a dong, and didn’t have any of the Miracle’s 10 strikeouts.

GREATEST PROMO EVER: The Daytona Tortugas gave out Bob Ross bobbleheads on Friday. Bob Ross. The “happy little trees” painting guy. I guess he’s a Daytona native. After last November’s election, when classroom tensions were very high, my niece’s English teacher suspended all discussion and had her tenth-graders watch Bob Ross videos instead. This strikes me as profoundly wise.

WORST GUY EVER: The fellow who wrote about this promotion is paid to travel the country visiting minor-league ballparks. He’s a perfectly good writer. I hate him with every fiber of my being for having this job, and so should you. Seriously: do not read this person. Unless you are the Genie Of Christmas Cheer, his super-job will make you want to stick your head in the toilet and flush until you die.

[Box Score]

Low-A: West Michigan Whitecaps 3, Cedar Rapids Kernels 0

Nervous Muppet Clark Beeker got a bit rattled here, giving up all three Whitecaps runs (name? Michigan? Whitecaps? why?) but did last through five innings, his last two scoreless. Nice bounceback, Beeker.

On offense ... nope. The Whitecaps have a pitcher named Gregory Soto, he threw eleven strikeouts. Mean Corn 2B/IF Gorge Munoz gets the prize today, he’s the only Kernel who didn’t whiff.

[Box Score]

Rookie League: Burlington Royals 5, Elizabethton Twins 3

Two hits for the Baby Twins, one by DH/C Colton Waltner and the other by CF Mark Contreras. They’re both SoCal dudebros, and I’ve picked on that locality enough for one day. Starter Charlie Barnes was good. Reliever Blair Lasko was bad. But let’s go easy on Blair. He looks like a nice lad. He’s from upstate New York, and people from that region are, to be frank, the best people from any possible birthplace on Earth.

[Box Score]

Do you have a picture or pictures you took of tractors, farm animals, land, or other equipment you’d like to see us use for a future farm report? We would love your submissions and happily give you and/or your farm full credit and a shout-out. Happy little shout-outs.

Please e-mail myjah at if you are interested, and include the name of who took the photo (and their permission) so we may give the proper photo credits.

Photos must be large! We need at least 1800px width. If you’re not sure if it’s big enough, send the picture and I will tell you (TWSS).