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Farm Report: Everyone happy, everyone wins, can I please have Mitch Garver now

A recap of the Twins' minor league affiliates' results from July 7th, 2017.

Bliss Spa Launch Of A Limited Edition Percy Pig Pedi
To promote the “Bliss Spa” in London, here’s “Percy Pig Pedi.” It’s a Saint Paul Saints world, we’re all just living in it.
Photo by Stuart C. Wilson/Getty Images for Bliss Spa London

Triple-A: Rochester Red Wings 9, Syracuse Chiefs 3

Is this what they call a “crooked number”? Rochester hung up eight (8) runs in the third inning. C/LF Mitch Garver both led off with a single and later had a solo dong. Every Red Wing had at least one hit in this game, except C John Hicks Murphy.

On the pitching side, David Hurlbut did not allow any eight-run innings. Reliever Alan Busenitz had a scoreless seventh, and regaled teammates with stories of life in the Big City. His description of escalators astonished those born in Mississippi, Alabama, and Wisconsin.

(Kudos to the Red Wings for their site redesign today. Yeah, for one day only, they’re the Rochester “Plates,” and even the website is all in.)

[Box Score]

Double-A: Chattanooga Lookouts 6, Tennessee Smokies 1

And when you put a guy with MLB experience in AA, this can happen. Former Brewer and White Sox Andy Wilkins went 3-4 with a double and dong. 1B Jonathan Rodriguez squeaked, “hey, me too!” and matched the double part.

Randy LeBlanc allowed only one run in six strong innings. 40-man-er Randy Rosario pitched two shutdown frames of his own.

[Box Score]

High-A: Ft. Myers Miracle 6, Palm Beach Cardinals 5

A classic tale of Terror and Suspense for Miracle fans, who saw their boys cough up four runs and the lead in a nasty fifth inning, only to get it back in the home half. Seven hits were divided equally among seven players, with the party poopers being Pride Of Robbinsdale CF Max Murphy and RF Tanner English. C/DH Mitchell Kranson gots hisself a dong.

All four of those fifth-inning runs were tagged on reliever Williams Ramirez, who up until this point had been doing just fine for a 24-year-old. The superbly-named Michael Theofanopoulos and Tom Hackimer provided better bullpen help.

[Box Score]

Low-A: Cedar Rapids Kernels 5, Peoria Chiefs 2

HOW MANY MOTHERBLEEPING TEAMS ARE NAMED THIS DAMN NICKNAME The Kernels benefitted from a solid offensive outing, with multi-hit nights by CF Aaron Whitfield and 1B Lewin Diaz. Starter & nervous Muppet Clark Beeker only surrendered one run in six full. I MEAN YOU’D EXPECT IT IN NOWHERESVILLE BUT PEORIA IS IN ILLINOIS AND SYRACUSE IS IN NEW YORK AND FOR PETES SAKES WHY NOT LUMBERKINGS OR TIMBERRATTLERS OR I DUNNO

[Box Score]

Rookie League: Elizabethton Twins 5, Johnson City Cardinals 0

Moar winning, you ask? Oui, si, jawohl! South Carolina lefty Charlie Barnes had seven strikeouts and only one hit/walk during his five scoreless innings. The hottest Baby Twin hitter was CF Mark Contreras, who went 2-4. LF Brent Rooker contributed a double, plus his name, which is the most perfectly apt one for this league.

[Box Score]

Do you have a picture or pictures you took of tractors, farm animals, land, or other equipment you’d like to see us use for a future farm report? We would love your submissions and happily give you and/or your farm full credit and a shout-out.

Please e-mail myjah at if you are interested, and include the name of who took the photo (and their permission) so we may give the proper photo credits. Feel free to include photos your phone took of nothing because it snapped a picture in your pocket or purse, just to be irritating.

Photos must be large! We need at least 1800px width. If you’re not sure if it’s big enough, send the picture and I will tell you (TWSS).