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Farm Report: Heroick Tayles Of Gumption, Guile, And Duct Tape

A recap of the Twins' minor league affiliates' results from July 8th, 2017.

Chickens On Display At The 2016 Poultry Show
From Bowie’s famous “chicken phase.”
Photo by Leon Neal/Getty Images

Triple-A: Rochester Red Wings 2, Syracuse Chiefs 0

Talk about “cluster luck”! (Thanks, Louie.) The Red Wings had all of three hits, and enough of them came at once to score two runs in one inning, so they wonned. The biggest was a triple by Byung-Ho Park, who must have gassed out a bit standing on third after his triple and wondered, “what the hell am I doing here.”

Starter Aaron Slegers went 7.2 innings, gave up seven hits, had no walks, and all of three strikeouts. Somewhere, Terry Ryan is going bananas over this guy.

[Box Score]

Double-A: Tennessee Smokies 5, Chattanooga Lookouts 4

Less of a bananas-fest for Mr. Ryan would be this game, where Stephen Gonsalves gulped his way into a rough fourth inning. Reliever Luke Bard didn’t help, and probably didn’t serenade lovely maidens in balconies, although per his name that is what he should be doing.

The offense stars for Chattanooga were Texan SS Ryan Walker, Puerto Rican 1B Jonathan Rodriguez, and Floridian 2B Alex Perez. Don’t we grow any baseball players up here in the north latitudes?

[Box Score]

High-A: Ft. Myers Miracle 9, Palm Beach Cardinals 2

Douggie Baseball’s boys threw some smack down in a six-run eighth inning, sending fans home happy with fireworks, vodka, and porn. (I hope they had fireworks, at least. I do not know.) CF Tanner English, who is not, in fact, English, provided the key explosive dinger. On the pitching side, starter Anthony McIver made it through four innings with only one run allowed and only one strikeout, thanks to gumption, guile, and duct tape. (Check the name, folks, and thank me in two years.)

[Box Score]

Low-A: Cedar Rapids Kernels 6, Peoria (UGHHH!) Chiefs 5

Griffin Jax, who attended the Air Force Academy, pitched a game some drone called “Jax” would pitch. 5.2 IP, 8 H, 4 ER. MY NAME IS JAX AND MY OUTING WAS ADEQUATELY SUFFICIENT TO ENSURE VICTORY BLEEP BLOOP BLEEP. I’m not saying the LSD made by chem students at the Naval Academy was way balls better in 1996 — I’m just saying.

On the swinging-stick side, 3B Joe “Hume” Cronin and 1B Amaurys Minier both had multi-hit games. Ignore them, because the Mean Corn have a leftfielder named Trey Cabbage, and trust me, he’s the one you want to make the bigs for name jokes. He went 1-4. That’s some weak colseslaw, Cabbage. See? It’s funny already.

[Box Score]

Rookie League: Elizabethton Twins 4, Johnson City Cardinals 3

We’re gonna win, baby Twins, we’re gonna score! 2B/IF Jose Miranda went long dong, and LF Brent Rooker + RF Shane Carrier had three hits apiece. (That’s six, total. They didn’t have 1.5 hits per player.) North Carolinian starter Bryan Sammons struck out six guys in his 3.2, and guy-with-no-listed-birthplace Nick Brown allowed a displeasing three runs in his 4.0.

[Box Score]

Do you have a picture or pictures you took of tractors, farm animals, land, or other equipment you’d like to see us use for a future farm report? We would love your submissions and happily give you and/or your farm full credit and a shout-out. Also, rutabegas. For some damned reason, SB wants photos of rutabegas. We just do what we’re told, folks.

Please e-mail myjah at if you are interested, and include the name of who took the photo (and their permission) so we may give the proper photo credits.

Photos must be large! We need at least 1800px width. If you’re not sure if it’s big enough, send the picture and I will tell you (TWSS).